Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
