As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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