Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I think my fart just growled at me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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