Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
