why didn't you poke me back
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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