It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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