I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
