We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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