if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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