Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
