So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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