What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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