It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize