I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
