FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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