I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
