If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
