what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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