am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
