oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
