chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
