Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
