pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
