she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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