Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize