Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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