Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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