Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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