I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
