Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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