I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
