it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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