every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
