So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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