I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
