Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
