He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
