I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
