Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
