Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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