we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
