I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
