No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
