So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's blow job season.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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