I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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