I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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