turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
this boner is exhausting
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am available for nakedness
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
