and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
