you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
