WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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