The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
