you guys were way drunker than both of me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
