sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish life had little blips of pornography
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
