i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
