Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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