I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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