Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
