The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
