Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
