Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
