When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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