We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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