He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize